Fall-off-the-bed-and-into-the-wall insurance

I'm clumsy, really freakin' clumsy. I'm kinda big, really unco and don't carry myself well. I hurt myself a lot. So far, other things, such as the inanimate objects I injure myself on, remain unscathed.

Andy was buying insurance for the new house, the salesperson offered him 'accidental damage insurance' or as they refer to it in the office 'klutz insurance'. Andy lovingly informed me he thought of me, particularly the time I fell off the bed and into the wall.

I assured him that the wall was fine, and it was me who came off second best. He retorted that the wall was concrete and they're not as solid in the new house.

"Hello, yes. I'd like to make a claim on my accidental damage insurance. My partner has just fallen off the bed and dented the wall."

What insurance do you need? Got-the-shits-and-smashed-the-dishes insurance? The-puppy-chewed-my-shoe insurance (Kerces, I'm looking at you ;))? Got-drunk-and -lost-my-keys-insurance?
Go on, share, what personalised insurance cover would suit you?


"Well if you're not going to talk to me I'm going to talk to my orange" - Adam (my 14-year-old brother).